The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I really do not know what to do at this point. I swear I am losing it. My flashbacks are getting worse, (have PTSD), to the point that I'm reliving full days all day at least once a week. I'm starting to get the spider hallucinations again, as well as the people hallucinations. Last night I thought a bin of clothes was a person sitting on the bed, it took for me to turn the light on, and for me to stare at it for half a minute to realize that it was not one. It took me five minutes to realize that there wasn't a big white spider on the bed, and it always takes a while to remember that I am no longer with *them*, that I am safe. I haven't gotten good sleep since before my lovely 'roommates' had come and gone. I think they triggered it because since they left i cant even stand the smell of brewing coffee now, and for those of you that know me, you know that coffee has been my friend for all but one year of my life. I have to check the milk multiple times per day to make sure it isn't bad, I have to be sure that I cook the food exactly as I want it, that i can't clean the bathroom anymore (He does that for me), and i can't even be myself anymore. I throw internal fits every time I mess up, and any time someone is upset with me no matter over what I either break down or go on a fit in defense. I've been so tightly-strung that I can't sleep, I have no appetite, and I seriously feel like I am losing it. I am waiting for insurance to be able to go to someone for help, since obviously me doing it by myself isn't helping. I'm even associating Teine with them. I know he would never strike me.... it's far from who he is. And yet, when he gets angry, when i know he was angry, or when he simply brings his hand to my head to gently run his fingers through my hair, i flinch, like i expect him to slap or hit me. He's absolutely nothing like that, he's all bark when he gets upset and even then he's never mean, he just growls out of his frustration of the situation and rants about it and then holds me like he fears that he hurt me. But he hasn't. Despite his temporary asshole-ish self, he is a very kind man who cares for and loves me and I know it. And yet, I betray him with my reactions to his gentleness. I feel horrible. What i used to be, i am not now. well, in my general self. my losing it self has always been but this is just... *sighs* i hate this. Good anniversary present, huh? 'Happy 2nd anniversary baby, your submissive wife has gone insane'...

I feel so lost right now...

There are few friends who I consider family. There are few family members that I consider friends. However, it seems that though I choose carefully, there are still consequences to opening my heart to others. When I bring people into my life, I put others in my first priority. I think I got tired of doing that. I feel selfish otherwise but honestly, I need to remember that I am human and need to take care of myself. So, for those who are in my life now, you will stay until you do something in which I can't keep you in anymore, or unless you leave willingly. Usually, the latter is what happens. There will be no new people. It's about time I close myself off.

COMMENTS

-

---

ClaireFarron
16:02 Oct 19 2012

I love you sweetie

---

POST COMMENT

2,012 = 731, and hinayati = hentai...

2,012 = 731 = FAIL



2,012 is NOT 731.... there are 1,281 numbers between the two. that means there are over 1,281 reasons why 2,012 is not the same number as 731... the other difference? they look different... one has four numbers while the other has three... and.... you're just stupid. if you ARE 731 years old, you would know basic math... baka anata desu....oh, and when you are lying and someone catches you in the lie? How about you accept defeat gracefully rather than telling the other person that they are the liar when in fact, they have so much trouble lying and would rather be honest? Not that I don't lie, I do, but not when facts are involved, just opinions.